Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
You Might Also Like
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
How to make infinite energy.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.