[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
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*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit