dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
the rocks need my help
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I love snow
– People who never shovel