publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
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Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
lol
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Brilliant!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”