Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
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Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.