ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*