Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
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most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
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I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still