I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
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I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
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Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Still cracks me up
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.