it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
You Might Also Like
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!