*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
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Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
concern
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂