My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
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I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.