Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Love is in the air fryer.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach