You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
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[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
When you’ve simply given up.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”