i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
So the ex texted me
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*