“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Well, shit
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters