[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”![]()
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.