[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I’d … I’d rather not.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried