all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?