Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever