all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
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I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
getting groceries
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”