Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Carbosly

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

@girlontapas

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

@angrynerdyshark

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

@IGotsSmarts

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

@Book_Krazy

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

@dril

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

@GrabTheWEness

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

@beeftweets

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

@tastefactory

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.