
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.