The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
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My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady