6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
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The glockness monster
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites