He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
This bar smells like my childhood.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Yup
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably