Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
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Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
when nothing goes right… go left
*jazz hands*
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised