*jazz hands*
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.