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*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Y’all ready for this
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere