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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I put the mess in domestic.