Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
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I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”