My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
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Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
this is so top tier i cant
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*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
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Tell the colonel to bring it
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Finally, an instrument I can play!
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me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?