My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
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No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.