Finally, an instrument I can play!
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[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?