Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
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[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*