One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”