One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
