One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
We all have our pet causes.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.