One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️