i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
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Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.