if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
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PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Sunday
I love the honesty
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑