if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
You Might Also Like
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it