Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time