putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Bit chilly again tonight.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.