[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.