Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be