I’m not alone. I have ants.
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“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
You know…for fall…
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?