rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
You Might Also Like
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”