Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
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Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Baking is just science you can eat.