Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*