The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
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I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
she has a point
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I don’t know what to do
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.