I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
San Francisco has too many rules
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.