Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
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Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Look at this
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.