My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
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“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.