Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Growing out my freckles.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.