Growing out my freckles.
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someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…