Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
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I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
not for long
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head