shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
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* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.