Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix