Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
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Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.