Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
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getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.