Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
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my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.